You keep telling me that I need to hope and dream and work towards finding “the one”. Let me give you a look inside my head for a minute. Please note, this is not a pity party, this is how I feel.
I was married to a man who preferred to go out drinking with his friends than stay home with me
I was married to another man who preferred the company of other women to me
I lived with a man who would rather be with someone else (he made it obvious by texting and chatting to her day and night no matter if I was with him or not)
I am friends with a man who, if the crunch came would drop me like a hot potato (he has a family and that is understandable)
My other friends would rather be with lots of other woman than with me
I go out and meet men – and they either want sex (not me, any available body will do) or they find someone else soon after we meet – happens over and over
Now I must work towards finding the one – when all I do is hurt over and over again – knowing that I have never been someone’s first choice, someone’s preferred companion, I am not the easiest person to live with and I am a lot of work relationship wise.
Now comes the whole crux of this blog, I need someone to make love to (not sex, love) and there is no-one, I need to be held like I am special and there is no-one – I need to spoil someone, dance with someone, tickle, play fight, talk, but there is no-one who thinks I am worth enough for them to put me as first choice.
I know this sounds selfish and all about me, but is that not how it is? We all need love both to give and receive it, and I need someone to love, I need someone to love me. It hurts to see lover’s walking down the road holding hands, it hurts to see old couples kissing, it hurts to read and hear love songs – showing me what I am missing, making me long, knowing that every time I open up I get rejected.
I know me (you tell me to learn to live with me first) I know who I am, my faults and my good points – some parts of me I hate some parts of me I love, but with all this I do not know what turns men away , maybe I am too needy, too overwhelming, too open, too honest – or just too much effort. I don’t know, but I am tired of looking, tired of chatting to fools, tired of opening up, if there is a man out there who thinks I am worth it, he will have to find me – so for now I live accepting that I am alone, and will be alone for a long time to come, once I come to terms with that I will be more stable emotionally, it will take a while but I will get there.