Content?

As I sit here and wonder

Why I am comfortable being alone.

Am I becoming anti-social,

Barricaded behind these walls

Or

Am I finally adjusting to my life.

 

Until a few months ago

I cried myself to sleep,

Adjusting to the fact

I am growing old alone,

That my “one” was not coming

Had lost his way somewhere

Too proud to ask directions

 

I have known the loneliness

Of an unhappy marriage.

Of watching happy couples wed,

Of watching old couples walk hand in hand.

Of seeing a man’s face light up when his love walks into the room.

Of getting into bed needing to cuddle,

Or talk

Or laugh

Or make love….

But the other side is empty.

 

I have learnt the pleasure

Of my own company.

Of writing,

Of reading.

Of walking in the forest,

Watching the squirrels,

Of feeling the wind in my hair,

Driving in this beautiful place.

Of running my own business,

Making friends,

Of being responsible for myself,

Waking up every morning with the sun streaming in my room,

The birds singing outside

Knowing that I am home.

 

Why did it take me so long to realize

That I don’t need someone to affirm who I am

That I am better off alone

That my life is perfect just the way it is

 

Now I consider the fact that

I may be going to the other extreme

 

I sit alone,

Typing my thoughts,

Watching TV,

Reading.

Eating,

Chatting online.

 

But sometimes it’s an effort,

I just want to be,

To surround myself with my four walls.

 

Friends visit

I am relieved when they leave,

I want my space back,

When they are gone I wander

Around the house,

Through the rooms,

Picking up this

Looking at that.

Not bored,

Just not sure where to start,

Should I

Take a hot bubble bath,

Watch a movie,

Write a poem,

Read a book,

Go for a walk.

The choices are endless

 

When I get invited it is

Difficult for me to go out,

To be social.

When I have people here,

I battle to relax

Enjoy their company.

Then being contrary

I want my friends to visit,

I want to be invited out.

 

Then I put on

The act,

The face for all to see,

The confident, strong woman,

The happy, sparkly woman,

The funny, quirky lady.

 

The people around me feel

Comfortable with that woman,

Preferring to ignore the sadness behind the smile,

It is easier for them,

They don’t have to worry

Feel guilty

Be burdened with tears

Moods.

 

So I sit here quite content,

Knowing that

I have accepted myself,

Accepted my choices

Accepted the fact that I am destined to be alone,

 

I sigh deeply,

Yes my life is good….

Best not throw it into turmoil by adding an extra to it….


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